I have always been a relatively slender person. I have fluctuated a bit here and there, but I have never been what you would call a ‘Big girl’ until now.
As 40 approaches, and my lifestyle is different than it has ever been my body just doesn’t work the same way as it used to. I feel like it just kinda snuck up on me. Yesterday I was a size 6 and today I am a size 20.
In reality, it took like 6 years to get to this point, but it really does feel like I just woke up a whole person bigger.
This is the dramatic difference in my shape in the last 5-6 years. (Industrial music fans, yes, that is Raymond Watts of PIG, sorry, it’s the only super recent photo I have of myself since I tend to be a bit camera shy as of late. MAN, he puts on a good show!)
I know that for health reasons, I really need to do something about this. I feel though, in order to get the motivation to do this, first I need to get acquainted with and comfortable in this new skin. Right now I don’t feel like being active. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m not sad, or depressed. Rather, I feel that these feelings stem from the fact that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body right now. I don’t understand how to dress it. I don’t feel that I know how to carry myself in a way that is flattering to my new shape. I feel that no matter what I do, I am not capable of looking my best, and that really discourages me from wanting to get out there in the world, be active, and do the things I know I will need to be doing if I hope to turn this around.
Learning to dress in a way that is flattering is hard. I can no longer just look at something and know if it will fit or not. Things I used to take for granted, like shirt length, and boots are like learning a new language.
It really bothers me that my belly sticks out farther than my chest does. I can’t seem to find anything to wear that makes me feel in proportion.
I see all these clothing ads for plus size clothing and other larger ladies walking around in the world with their curves and I just don’t feel like I have those. I feel that if I did, maybe I would feel like I looked a little better. I have never really had an issue with my breast size, I am and have always been relatively busty, and I don’t know if the weight just didn’t distribute in a way that converted attractively to my new size, or if it’s just age and they are a little softer than they once were, but they are doing nothing for me right now. When I was thinner, there were these extra padded push up bras I would see all over that added a size or two, so with this in mind, I looked for something similar in my size. I really feel that if I could accentuate my curves, and make myself appear more in proportion, that I would feel a lot better about the way things look on me, and maybe find a style that works for me while I am working through this new experience. It seems they don’t make them for me though, and if they do, I am not finding them. It’s almost like the intimate clothing industry just expects us all to have enough on top to not need that extra boost.
Am I the only one? Really? I can’t believe that.
Boots are another thing. Shoes in general, but really boots are the worst. My ankles are usually swollen to some degree lately, making ankle boots and ankle straps a challenge, and calf/knee/over the knee boots? Forget about that like 90% of the time. This is devastating to me since I am in love with boots. I wear them all year round, and it being this hard to find a pair I can actually zip up is soul crushing. I have discovered Torrid, and they really do have some cute boots, but I want a little more variety, and it seems that my choices within there are usually limited as well, finding my size out of stock more often than not.
I can’t believe how much I took being able to wear anything I wanted for granted.
I know I am still beautiful. I FEEL like a beautiful person, I just don’t know how to translate that into my choices for clothing. I want to feel like my clothes fit, and that they are flattering me. I don’t want to have to worry about how I can move in what I am wearing. I want my bras to fit instead of creating more bulges and rolls. I know it’s possible. I see big beautiful gals out there rocking their sexy all the time. I just want to do the same but I don’t know how. All I do know is that in order to get the motivation to DO better and get healthier, I really need to feel better NOW in what I have to work with.
Where have you found affordable, flattering plus size clothing? I would love to hear in the comments! What self-care rituals do you have as a bigger girl that help you feel more beautiful every day?