I’m Not Sure What to Do With My New Body

I have always been a relatively slender person. I have fluctuated a bit here and there, but I have never been what you would call a ‘Big girl’ until now.

As 40 approaches, and my lifestyle is different than it has ever been my body just doesn’t work the same way as it used to. I feel like it just kinda snuck up on me. Yesterday I was a size 6 and today I am a size 20.

In reality, it took like 6 years to get to this point, but it really does feel like I just woke up a whole person bigger.

2013

This is the dramatic difference in my shape in the last 5-6 years. (Industrial music fans, yes, that is Raymond Watts of PIG, sorry, it’s the only super recent photo I have of myself since I tend to be a bit camera shy as of late. MAN, he puts on a good show!)

I know that for health reasons, I really need to do something about this. I feel though, in order to get the motivation to do this, first I need to get acquainted with and comfortable in this new skin. Right now I don’t feel like being active. I don’t want to leave the house. I’m not sad, or depressed. Rather, I feel that these feelings stem from the fact that I don’t feel comfortable in my own body right now. I don’t understand how to dress it. I don’t feel that I know how to carry myself in a way that is flattering to my new shape. I feel that no matter what I do, I am not capable of looking my best, and that really discourages me from wanting to get out there in the world, be active, and do the things I know I will need to be doing if I hope to turn this around.

Learning to dress in a way that is flattering is hard. I can no longer just look at something and know if it will fit or not. Things I used to take for granted, like shirt length, and boots are like learning a new language.

It really bothers me that my belly sticks out farther than my chest does. I can’t seem to find anything to wear that makes me feel in proportion.

I see all these clothing ads for plus size clothing and other larger ladies walking around in the world with their curves and I just don’t feel like I have those. I feel that if I did, maybe I would feel like I looked a little better. I have never really had an issue with my breast size, I am and have always been relatively busty, and I don’t know if the weight just didn’t distribute in a way that converted attractively to my new size, or if it’s just age and they are a little softer than they once were, but they are doing nothing for me right now. When I was thinner, there were these extra padded push up bras I would see all over that added a size or two, so with this in mind, I looked for something similar in my size. I really feel that if I could accentuate my curves, and make myself appear more in proportion, that I would feel a lot better about the way things look on me, and maybe find a style that works for me while I am working through this new experience. It seems they don’t make them for me though, and if they do, I am not finding them. It’s almost like the intimate clothing industry just expects us all to have enough on top to not need that extra boost.

Am I the only one? Really? I can’t believe that.

Boots are another thing. Shoes in general, but really boots are the worst. My ankles are usually swollen to some degree lately, making ankle boots and ankle straps a challenge, and calf/knee/over the knee boots? Forget about that like 90% of the time. This is devastating to me since I am in love with boots. I wear them all year round, and it being this hard to find a pair I can actually zip up is soul crushing. I have discovered Torrid, and they really do have some cute boots, but I want a little more variety, and it seems that my choices within there are usually limited as well, finding my size out of stock more often than not.

I can’t believe how much I took being able to wear anything I wanted for granted.

I know I am still beautiful. I FEEL like a beautiful person, I just don’t know how to translate that into my choices for clothing. I want to feel like my clothes fit, and that they are flattering me. I don’t want to have to worry about how I can move in what I am wearing. I want my bras to fit instead of creating more bulges and rolls. I know it’s possible. I see big beautiful gals out there rocking their sexy all the time. I just want to do the same but I don’t know how. All I do know is that in order to get the motivation to DO better and get healthier, I really need to feel better NOW in what I have to work with.

Where have you found affordable, flattering plus size clothing? I would love to hear in the comments! What self-care rituals do you have as a bigger girl that help you feel more beautiful every day?

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26 comments

  1. It’s hard to find a style that we feel suits us and makes us feel good, I’ve bought clothes in the past just from seeing other people in them thinking if they look good on them it should be fine on me too but then I try it on and it’s not the same. I don’t know if I’m much help as I also have struggled with choosing a style I’m happy with, when I was younger I would wear cropped tops and now my belly sticks out a bit more than it used to I feel uncomfortable in them but I still love them and wish I could go back to wearing them! I tend to wear a lot of black, unfortunately I feel most comfortable in it!

    Chloe xx
    http://www.chloechats.com

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My best tips for finding things that look good on you is simple.
    1. Regardless of size or height, try on everything. If something is my style but I don’t like how it looks on the hanger, I try it on. None of us are shaped like hangers.
    2. Go through the clothing items that you own that you do love. Really lay them out & look at them. What do they have in common. It will help you know what you love & which pieces you need most to start to create a wardrobe befitting your bodacious self.
    3. Tailoring might make a piece cost you more but you will get more use out of it & feel amazing in it.
    4. Don’t always wear black & bold accessories are made for bigger girls. It doesn’t matter what size you are, the right colors make you look better, happier, and will help you identify more with your clothing.

    As far as bras go, have you considered going to a specialty shop to be fitting? I had to do it after I had one of my kids because I couldn’t find a good fit. My size was awkward & they were different sizes.

    You have taken the steps to loving yourself and that is the most important part. P.S. If you see a gal who’s style you adore, ask where she shops 😉 Found my favorite stores that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel exactly the same as you. One minute I was slim, the next it’s all snuck up on me. I hide myself when I go to the beach or the pool, i’m Always covering up! I wish I could gain more confidence to just not give a damn! Haha. Great post by the way!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s terrible right? I can’t believe how much different shopping, and getting dressed, and even putting on makeup feel now. Thank you for reading!

      Like

      • Me too! I feel like a different person sometimes. I am so limited when it comes to shopping because I won’t wear anything that shows much skin, and I won’t wear anything tight. It makes me so sad!

        Like

  4. Totally get this! I’ve gone from a uk size 6 to a uk 14 in the last 12 months. But I honestly have never been happier. I’ve finally got boobs and a bum! But like you it’s been a challenge learning how to dress a completely new figure. Stick at it, you will find your style. And you are GORGEOUS either way. Xx

    Like

  5. I started a ketogenic diet in January of 2018 and it literally was the ONLY way I lost 30 lbs of fat that wouldn’t go away. I’m pushing 40 too, have 2 little ones and I didn’t want to be a fat mom. I don’t want to have to accept a fat body so I didn’t. I’ve blogged about my progress and the foods I eat, recipes I’ve found as well. Best decision I ever made and I don’t believe you should have to accept being fat either if you don’t want to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not really about accepting or not accepting for me. I do want to do something about it. I have a lot more than 30 pounds to lose though, and being a realist I know that I have a long road ahead of me while I work to turn this around. So I really want to find a way to look good and feel good while I am doing that. Thanks for your comment and thanks for reading.

      Like

  6. I have always been a big girl. I feel that clothes just aren’t made for “curvy” women! It saddens me because I am comfortable with my body but it seems designers and such don’t feel we are worth the fabric! I hope you learn to love your new skin because you are beautiful! People come in all sizes and shapes just be you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hey girl, thanks for sharing. This is super personal and I’m sure a lot of women feel the same way. I know you said you don’t feel like being active because you’re not comfortable in your body, but I always find when I’m feeling crappy, being active always makes me feel better. Have you ever done Zumba? It’s SO MUCH FUN! You can go to the back of the class if you don’t want to be seen (that’s what I do because I am so terrible haha), and it’s always all women. It feels like more of a dance party with a fun cheerleader at the front instead of an intimidating gym. Spin classes are also fun, and a lot of them are in the dark. You can go as hard as or as lightly as you need, and no one can see you (as you can see, I like to hide a bit haha). Sorry if these are lame, but I hate to hear a women feeling bad about her body, at any size! We’re all beautiful! I hope you feel better soon and find what works for you! much love xoxo

    Chelsea
    https://completelychelsea.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • They aren’t lame at all! You are right, getting out and getting more active would probably make me feel much better. I’ll look into those types of things for sure. I do yoga at home as well. I still feel the need to learn to dress this shape though during the transition. It will take some time to drop the 150 or so pounds I need to shed, and I would love to de-hermit (that’s not a word!!!!) in the meantime.

      Thank you so much for reading, and for your ideas and support! They mean the world to me!
      Much Love,
      Kat

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I can relate to a lot of this, although I have always been on the curvier side, and never enjoyed it much. I know several others who are in a similar situation to yourself and the way I always put it to them is that I’d like to think it means you have the potential to be that way again. I’ve always been chubby, I don’t know any different or if it’s possible, because I’ve never seen that side. I know it’s probably not so simple, especially as we grow older.

    That aside, I think you are right in saying that to start you need to get comfortable with it first. This is what I’m trying to do right now, and it’s encouraging me to get out more. Before that, I hid at home as much as possible because I didn’t want anyone to see me. It felt like I took up too much space. Which, of course, was only making things worse for myself.

    I’ve found it helps to think about other qualities. I’ve started focussing more on other positive attributes (such as intelligence, any talents, kindness etc) and seeing myself as a whole, rather than who I perceived to be a fat blob staring back at me in the mirror, and not much more.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so glad I am not the only one. I love your suggestion to think about other qualities. After I read your comment, I took my hands off the keyboard, closed my eyes, and made myself think of 3 neat things I have done in the last 24 hours. It really made a difference, and I am looking forward to my party I am throwing tomorrow night for my hubby’s coworkers more (I have been dreading it for a week now because I have been agonizing over what I am going to wear).

      I have received feedback about how I shouldn’t focus on getting comfortable as I currently am, and only focus on reversing the situation, and I am happy to find someone who agrees with me on this. While it may feel like I just woke up one morning 150 pounds heavier, that isn’t the way of it, and it is going to take time to get it under control as well. I think it is counterproductive to sentence myself to that much time, hating my own skin. I would rather be comfortable at every stage of this process, and also make sure that no matter what size I am later on down the line, that I love myself, and don’t take the good stuff for granted as I did before.

      You always have something great to say! I’m so happy our paths crossed!

      Like

  9. I expect everyone to read this and go “Why is a guy commenting on this” – well – it’s because we all offer a unique opinion or perspective on something!

    I’m a bigger guy and have been for most of my life. Comfort and confidence in my own body hasn’t been something I’ve exactly solved for myself, but I’m getting there as I’ve gotten older. I used to be “extremely” self conscious to the point of never going outside without a shirt on or anything of that nature. Even if I went to the beach that’d be with a shirt on, jackets in the summer, hell or high water would I be comfy!

    I never had much support to get healthier or try to get in shape – but – to this day I try and will keep pushing. Why? Several reasons! I want to inspire others to do it, I want to show the world that even an emotional mess of a guy can battle his mind and win and that the world shouldn’t be so afraid to be themselves.

    Find an exercise or as I recently heard – a movement – that you like. Something that helps you, that makes you feel better or makes you feel in control of yourself. Find something that works for you; be it using a punching bag, walking or hiking, or even just using an indoor exercise bike – every bit of effort counts to making a better you inside and out.

    Most of all it’s about letting go of what others think. Random people will come and go and their opinions shouldn’t affect you. Not that easy sure (I know that for a fact heh), but at the same time trust in your family and loved ones. No one would support you if they didn’t believe in you, and no one would compliment you if you weren’t what they believed you are.

    Walk outside one day in an outfit you’d never dare wear and just breathe. You’re in control, you always will be, don’t doubt yourself and keep pushing forward.

    An excellent post that is very inspiring and easily related to.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ok. This comment made me cry. In a good way. Thank you so much for this. I have all these things I want to type right now in response to this, but… if I want to be honest, there really are no words for how this made me feel, only the happy tears that are falling out of my eyes.

      Thank you for the happy tears.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. No two ways about it, it’s hard. When I married my hubby I was a size two. I’m a size 14. I don’t wear plus size clothes but at my heaviest @190 and I’m 5’1”, I was big and still am relative to my size. But there is hope. I went almost 5yrs just miserable about being me, when I came to a life altering decision. Be happy with what I saw in the mirror. Love me because I’m worth it. We de-value ourselves because we’re not thin. That leads to bad self esteem and self loathing. You are beautiful. Inside and out. It may take some time to get there but keep telling yourself that. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! ❤ This is so true. It really is hard though, especially when it's new territory. I'm in no way saying that people that have always been bigger are more comfortable with it because honestly, that is probably not the case at all, they may be even worse off, having to live with ridicule and whatnot for their whole lives in relation to their size. I do think though, that it takes a certain amount of experience to carry yourself when bigger. I notice that I am not as graceful as I was, and I sit differently, and a whole host of other things. I think in this way the newly curvy are at a disadvantage that makes being out in public even more weird feeling.

      Like

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